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Trust and Relationships Expand / Collapse
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Posted 26 April 2012 15:52
Supreme Being

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For me a monogamous relationship based on trust is what I value, I'd rather have nothing at all, than a series of meaningless affairs.

What do other people think?
Post #213268
Posted 26 April 2012 17:49
Supreme Being

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I would agree that a monogamous relationship based on trust (and love) would be pretty much my ideal too, but people make mistakes and not everyone is lucky enough to make the right choices in their relationships. 

What may seem to others to be a series of meaningless affairs could just be someone's desperate attempts to find the right one for them.  I'm sure a lot of people, at the beginning of a new relationship, are hoping that it might turn out to be something more fulfilling than just another meaningless affair.  Unfortunately, both in life and love, things don't always work out the way we'd like!
Post #213270
Posted 26 April 2012 19:07


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You've left out the option of meaningful affairs...
Post #213280
Posted 26 April 2012 21:03


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Yikes!

Better watch what you write Billy or you'll have all the married women chasing after you. lol

Spinning on my heels....so far away from real <3
Post #213290
Posted 26 April 2012 21:15


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real love doesn't exist really...

Post #213292
Posted 26 April 2012 21:21
Supreme Being

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I guess that "real love" might not be so much to do with individuals as much and the relationships, when people have affairs they might well be more to do with getting perceived needs and desires met than unconditional love, just another way of looking at the question!
Post #213297
Posted 26 April 2012 21:59


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A Friend (26/04/2012)
people make mistakes and not everyone is lucky enough to make the right choices in their relationships.  

Unfortunately, both in life and love, things don't always work out the way we'd like!

There are no such things as mistakes.

Challenging relationships are gifts for learning, growing, and eventually finding greater happiness.

Spinning on my heels....so far away from real <3
Post #213309
Posted 27 April 2012 14:38


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Trust comes with time... or not

No mater what relationships are they should be grounded on mutual respect, otherwise, there is no point to continue. Meaningful affairs are included
Post #213322
Posted 27 April 2012 19:20
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interesting Lith, to me having an affair implies cheating on somebody else, to me that is dishonest, but we are all different in the way we see things.  Some people if they are honest that they are having an affair, will probably hurt their partner in the process and their children even more, but each unto their own, I guess! 
Post #213328
Posted 28 April 2012 14:22
Supreme Being

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Well - just playing devils advocate...i have been always faithful but it doens't seem to be working.

Post #213366
Posted 28 April 2012 16:57


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It's a difficult topic.
A relationship based on trust and honesty. But sometimes it's not easy. What will you do if you suddenly meet someone and it is "Wow"? You can't fight against your feelings! So you can straight very quickly in an affair. It can be you meet your love of life and live in a relationship! do you throw everything away or do you get to know each other before you decide? Sometimes it's better, because at first you must find yourself what you feel.
Post #213390
Posted 28 April 2012 17:29
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the muse - it doesn't seem to be working being faithful, hmmm, interesting point, I guess it depends what your expectations are of a relationship?

Pfiffi, I agree it's difficult, something I have had to learn and am glad I have learned over the years, self control - that's how I gave up other addictions like smoking, over eating etc, although it's hard, it's worth it in the end, for a peaceful life.  Having an exciting life, isn't really worthwhile in the long run, well not in my experience anyway.

Post #213392
Posted 28 April 2012 17:42


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What it means meaningful affairs? I feel like Tarzan, I don't understand!

Post #213394
Posted 28 April 2012 17:44
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I don't mean that life has to be dull, it's just that I have learned from my mistakes I guess, I hope anyway, I am much more fulfilled now by something that I see as beyond instant gratification, that's all, I have seen the harm done by all these wants ands needs that wreck people's lives so often
Post #213395
Posted 28 April 2012 17:46
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Roarig I meant by meaningless affairs, about people jumping into a relationship based on their desires that don't lead anywhere that's all, but I guess each person interpreted it differently?
Post #213396
Posted 29 April 2012 00:20


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Post #213406
Posted 01 May 2012 20:31


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Everything is right what is right for two. And we do not have right to judge because world far from perfect and it will never be. And it is difficult to tell anything about the situations we have never been into.

Affair - a romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that may not last long that is between two people who are not married to one another. Source: http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/g/affair.htm

Peacefulness, these two people can be absolutely free and single. So I guess no spouses or children hurt

roarrig, I guess meaningful affairs are those which affect our life in a good way. I dated man recently whom I went to primary school with. It was romantic. It was emotional. It was intense. Despite mutual attraction we both knew it cannot last - we haven't seen each other for 20 years and chose too different paths of life
Post #213471
Posted 02 May 2012 15:35


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Post #213495
Posted 12 May 2012 22:40
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I think that love is a process of life as life is a process of love. It's in the process i put my trust in. Happening in me and the people i'm in relation to, and in you. Though i feel it's not something i can give another. Likewise, it's not something to build a relationship with.  I only trust that this process is happening.

So, in that way, respect is more appropriate cornerstone of a relationship, for me. Whatever the terms of engagment.

I wrote the following in a time of hardship a few months ago. And i think it applies to what i'm trying to express.

"Things going on around you, life happening about you, is not meant against you. Understand the cognitive process, you yourself, your structure, define the things to acknowledge that in turn will create a disturbance of self. You feel stuck when you deny this process of transformation. Let the disturbance change you. It may well be the only way to go beyond them. You didn't want those disturbance to define you. But then it does, more efficiently when you stand against them, to be defined by them. Let them change you. You were afraid to become a crippled version of yourself for fear of the unknown. But then again, it is refusal or blocking transformation that cripples you. Transformation is life happening in you, is life living in you and all about you. This transformation process will change you, and by symmetry, change what you acknowledge to disturb you. And this goes for change brought on by others and their choices. The behavioral dance. Again, their choices are not meant against you. Others make their own. According to their own perspective, their own structure."

So respect, i feel i can give the other, because i understand that.

Post #213857
Posted 12 May 2012 23:43


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..............
Post #213859
Posted 13 May 2012 01:13
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Well I thought I'd put my two cents in right.. I'm having a deep and honest, meaningful affair with my second toe AKA The Monkey Toe.. We've known each other for what, emmmm 30- something years.. He's just so domineering, that big toe boyfriend of mine...

~

No, No only kidding...

~

Awe, really perhaps it all comes falling all around you. The very thought of what love is.. Or should be. Illusions is all we can account it for, I feel. The very idea of the man or woman we'd like for our life long companion. Though having learned much from my experiences in what I thought love to be, I just think we all could do without the hurt. So maybe not attaching ourselves to one someone in life does marvelous to the emotions, where as it's simply affection. I see at some point in peoples life that, yes, we get a little desperate because we think to ourselves,; how long will it be, will I ever meet the man or woman of my dreams or that more rational thought, someone I can confide in." I think we often times neglect to give ourselves the opportunity to befriend first, keeping an open mind and honesty with yourself and the one that you seem to feel you could confide your own whole life to.


~

But don't you know it's really what you deserve. A lot of people walk through life thinking they need someone, that's our first mistake from the get go. Though I couldn't have always said it, but we don't need someone, it shows dependency to your potential partner, whereas, we should be asking ourselves who we are in this world without the feeling of tieing the knot or suggesting going exclusive. That first scares them away. Rather to be more mutual in both views from said friend, that friends being that you give yourself the chance would be the first and last. But lack in being your own friend and partner in life, how true is your relationship with yourself, moreover to them... It's merely thought that can even drive it away, as quickly as it came. So therefore your end started first.

~

I've done it before I'll admit, I'm not perfect, but have been taught a lesson and perhaps learning more. I've dove right in and well, I am not exactly looking anymore. I perhaps think I could at least spare one someone a woman as myself. Though I know me enough to say that friends would be the first on my mind. Having to recall the love I see come and go from just knowing other couples, what's there inside their minds together is not my business; but from the outside, I know all to well there isn't a fairytale going on with anyone. Too, perhaps it's how you view each other. Okay like the senior couples, I have such an admiration for not just in the love I see around them, but what it took to maintain that love. How it's compromise, acceptance of everything through life together before and after, for better and worse right, communication; with that said alone can build trust and loyalty. Because it's accepting you're two totally different people and that they, as a person have to find their own process through life just as a couple would. It's as to say, you need to be a very strong sort of person and right with your true love. Many, as "I" have too, got that mixed up with people. In essence just being you. But one must give themself that time, those experiences and when the time comes that you should find a friend that accidently goes into a will of it's own; you want be afraid to share those things and even so that person will also understand those wishes. Really a lot can be said in the eyes of getting to know them, at the same time you have to be gentle with each other and understanding of their own needs. Because, if you want it to last you have to allow them to come to you, and not pry their feelings out of them. Especially a man. And I cannot stress this enough, don't go and believing everything a friend of someone that just happen to see your potential partner doing of saying and get any ideas of your own; go to them, seek out the source. More often you'll find that even they are at a place in their own life they're not ready for, so don't take it personally. That's another mistake. If you can honestly tell yourself that you have a clear conscience then you'll be more understanding of how this person just needs you to understand. If roles where reversed, and you look back on your own experiences in the past, would you want someone to understand that place you are coming from, well absolutely. So coming with a calm mind to that person and seeking with talking to and not at, then you just may get somewhere. If you feel so deeply for that person. Too, you'll find that a particular strength is being built between you two.

~

Supporting each other, I find that is as rare as any of the above. That is a whole avenue of it's own, but not to make it complicated really, it can be just as flourishing as any thing in your life. Because well, like I said before, you're two different people, though both having your own dreams and wants to be fulfilled, yea; this can lead to neither of you having either. Again, from observation we get swallowed with our everyday lives and as time goes on, you forget you have a relationship when your trying to support your family or your own goals; we lack connection in that sometimes and it becomes work at home instead of love and family. So being ready is a gift to give yourself and your other. Though not one should make certain on plans, you can of course, but only if you can both discuss how anything thing in life can go awry. Not to give yourself no more rules than you would give your grandmother; that last bit was a bit more figure of speech, all the same. If you give so many rules to yourself and that of your partner; then with each one you can leave out the most important as each of those rules are broken. Then discouragements comes in and you let yourself down and them. Then that leads to blame and complacency. Just knowing that you can't always see eye to eye, but you can understand each other.

~

I wish everyone of you all happiness in your relationship or meaningful affair adventures. Stay positive and just live and let live okay... I still have a lot learning to do myself. So it's just me and my monkey toe for a long while.

Post #213863
Posted 17 May 2012 08:21
Supreme Being

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Well reading through some very interesting posts I can see everyone has their own standards.

Whether there is a universal law about relationships, I am not sure, considerating the variety of possibilities.

I guess we only know for ourselves what is best, learning from experience, not feeling pressured by anyone or by any cultural ideal, but finding out with our own insights and at the same time not ignoring the wisdom of others either, as then you could be missing out on some really important information.

To love ourselves, and know ourselves first, is really important, as Trinity pointed out in the Oscar Wilde quote.

I think that being ready for a relationship, going into it with my eyes open, and with the capacity to give but to also look after myself, is what matters.

I chose for myself, a long time ago, not to throw myself into fleeting relationships based on need but to concentrate on my spiritual journey of awakening until I am ready, from a position of wholeness and integrity, honesty and self respect, and it needs work and vigilance, it's ongoing in my journey of life.
Post #214066
Posted 17 May 2012 12:11


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Peaceful I think there is absolutely no universal laws when it comes to relationships. You have to do what is right for you and work out your own set of morals and preferences.

I know what I'm like when I'm in a long-term relationship - I'm with that person to the exclusion of all others. But when I'm not in a relationship...well, things are a bit more fluid. I've learnt a few things, like I HATE one night stands but "meaningful affairs" are OK, I learnt that I need to revise my lower age-bracket to max 10 years younger as there *is* such a thing as too young, I learnt that jacuzzis and me are not a good combination under any circumstance, and I learnt that married men are definitely off the cards. (Married women on the other hand.... just kidding...! ) Sorry, I'm being a bit cheeky...

OK all jokes aside, I guess what I'm saying is that when I am in a relationship my integrity is rock-solid, and I would expect that any future partner would trust and understand that without me needing to spell it out or keep reassuring them every 30 seconds. I expect to be afforded the same level of trust that I give, and if that isn't there, then it isn't going to work out. I define "integrity" is being consistent with your personal morals. So the three things I look for are intelligence, integrity, and initiative. Money, work, car, looks, or that kind of stuff are not draw-cards. Material and physical things change so best not to base a relationship on their presence or absence. Can't comment on spirituality, never really gone out with a guy who had the same belief system as me but that has never been an issue.

Hope some of that makes sense.

xx Dorothy
Post #214077
Posted 17 May 2012 13:36


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.............
Post #214079
Posted 17 May 2012 13:39
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it makes perfect sense Dorothy what you say, each person to their own, everyone is at a different starting point. 

There are many temptations out there in the big world, whether it is a car or a girlfriend, or a quick fix, there are lots of them.  It comes down to individual choice.

I don't think that dependency on another human being would ever be a balanced way to live, it is more important to be self reliant.

For me personally, I chose the spiritual path, because it has taught me to be a stronger person, to not give in to the many temptations as easily, which is probably why my life is so peaceful!!!  But it's not for everyone, obviously!

 

I just read your post Alona, we must have been writing at the same time!

Post #214080
Posted 17 May 2012 13:44


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..........................

Post #214081
Posted 17 May 2012 13:47


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Dorothy (17/05/2012)Money, work, car, looks, or that kind of stuff are not draw-cards. Material and physical things change so best not to base a relationship on their presence or absence.

.....very well said Dorothy,one of my rules number one!

Post #214084
Posted 17 May 2012 13:48
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Hi Alona, I guess thinking it all through, if people love each other truly and are soul mates, have enough rapport and enough things in common, plus some kind of attraction to each other, then that's the best situation to be in as far as relationships go!
Post #214085
Posted 17 May 2012 13:53
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But then there's the real world, after the honeymoon..........
Post #214086
Posted 17 May 2012 22:47


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alonamckey (17/05/2012)
Dorothy (17/05/2012)....I learnt that jacuzzis and me are not a good combination under any circumstance, and I learnt that married men are definitely off the cards. (Married women on the other hand.... just kidding...! ) Sorry Material and physical things change so best not to base a relationship on their presence or absence. Can't comment on spirituality, never really gone out with a guy who had the same belief system as me but that has never been an issue.....

Hey Dorothy!Most of them make sense for me!

Only wondering what about JACUZZIS???????? .... I would pay to know!!!LOL!...just kidding..


Hahahaha! I think some stories are just best left alone....

Post #214112
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